Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
