Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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