I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
