i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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