the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
