Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
