my mouth tastes like poor choices
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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