I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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