Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You smell like stripper and shame
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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