Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
