Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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