____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Randomize
