HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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