hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
