fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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