Got a toothbrush?
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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