I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
