He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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