You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
