God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
