I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
