D3 body, D1 cock
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
