That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
