she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You are a genius and a whore.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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