I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
