If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
