Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
