saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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