do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
