So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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