Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
