I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
