He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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