ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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