just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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