why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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