I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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