if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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