I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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