I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
