and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
