Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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