I'm gonna have a badass scar
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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