Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
FUCK WHALES
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
