you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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