see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
