today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
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and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
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Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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