Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
