Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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