This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
