I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
