so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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