I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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