DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
