So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
he fucked my hip out of place.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
