i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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