Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
